FWG and WOB: The Pre-Season Top 25

So it’s The Fat White Guy and Walk on Boy bringing you our interpretation of the Preseason Top 25 instead of saying that it is entirely too early to look at the rankings let’s pretend we are remiss in not discussing them earlier.

25. Oregon State

WOB: Hopefully the Beavers can create holes to allow Jacquizz Rodgers to run wild and score at will. OK, the double entendres are too easy. But they’ll need to score more than the 3 points they put up in the bowl game because they won’t play teams coached by Dave Wannstedt every week. But if the other team doesn’t score, they can’t win. So they’ve got that going for them, which is nice.

FWG: Wannstedt’s moustache resents that remark.

24. Notre Dame

FWG: Since when did we start rewarding such mediocrity. Do yourself a favor–go to your video collection, take out that old VHS copy of “Rudy” and burn it. You’ll be doing yourself and future generations a favor. This obsession with Notre Dame has got to stop. Nevermind that I’m all pissed off about Notre Dame’s treatment of UConn–but c’mon put down the Kool-Aid and be objective. 7-6 record, no consistency at quarterback should not equal a #24 ranking. What is Lou Holtz putting in the drinking water (besides errant spittle) that is making people believe this crap.

WOB: They suck for a couple years. People write them off. Then they’re good for a couple years. Time for the upswing. And I’m no economic guru, but paying a former employee more than a current employee for doing {Or not showing up, as the case may be.} the same job doesn’t seem like sound decision making. I used to love the Irish when I was little, but a dominating performance against Hawaii does not guarantee¬†a successful next season make. Ask Georgia last year.

23. Iowa

WOB: Idiots Out Wandering Around. I have an unfounded and irrational hatred of the Natty Bumppo’s. Replacing Shonn Greene and Mitch King will be a tall order. Although the 55-0 beat down they put on the Gophers at the end of the regular season last year to shut down the Metrodome seem to suggest that they have things at least semi-squared away.

FWG: Solid at QB with Stanzi–but great defense is what propels teams (cough-UCONN-cough). There are holes to be filled at Defensive Tackle (well placed pun)–and word is incoming recruits should be able to. But if history is any indicator, true freshman DT’s aren’t always capable to hang in the interior like their older counterparts.

22. Georgia Tech

WOB: Option football may be boring to watch, but it is ruthlessly effective.

FWG: Ahh–yes, remember when Syracuse used to be good? Miss you, love you Pasqualone.

Oh yeah, they have by far the drunksiest fight song ever:


I’m a Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer,
A helluva, helluva, helluva, helluva, hell of an engineer,
Like all the jolly good fellows, I drink my whiskey clear,
I’m a Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer.
Oh, if I had a daughter, sir, I’d dress her in White and Gold,
And put her on the campus, to cheer the brave and bold.
But if I had a son, sir, I’ll tell you what he’d do.
He would yell, “To Hell with Georgia,” like his daddy used to do.
Oh, I wish I had a barrel of rum and sugar three thousand pounds,
A college bell to put it in and a clapper to stir it around.
I’d drink to all good fellows who come from far and near.
I’m a ramblin’, gamblin’, hell of an engineer.

WOB: Indeed. But if you’re building anything for me Mr. Helluva Engineer, you’re going to need to be sober. Thanks.

FWG: Unless you’re building Dallas Cowboys practice facilities, or AirFrance planes—too soon?

WOB: Nope. Just like if it’s funny once, it’s funny every time; if it’ll be funny in the future, it’s funny now. Science. Bam.

21. Utah

WOB: Them beating Alabama made my bowl season and was absolutely no fluke. Now let’s get the Mountain West to get a decent TV deal so we can see them more than one time a year.

FWG: …and with that you assume that there are “TV’s” and “electricity” in the Mid-West.

WOB: Slowly but surely, we’re coming around. It’s difficult to get Versus off of the bunny-ears. Lay off, we just got 8 tracks.

20. Michigan State

FWG: Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!–Michigan State is somehow always outshadowed by their “University Of” big brother–even getting beat by 1AA’s and Dick Rod’s awful coaching is apparently more note-worthy (not that I was upset to see him leave the Big East). I want to see State break through the barrier of unfulfilled potential.

WOB: It seems that the Spartans are consistently ranked around here in preseason. Then they either implode or shoot themselves in the foot and then work their way back. The Spartans seem to have the talent to be regularly in the top half of the Big Ten, but for whatever reason can’t get things squared away.

19. North Carolina

WOB: I have absolutely no thoughts on them. My buddy Val is half Russian and told me that in Russian being a fan translates to having a sickness for a team. He’s got a bad case of the Browns. Since Butch Davis used to coach them, this place seems as good as any.

FWG: This is where I remain silent–as UNC delivered UConn a beating last year. Hopefully their home games are “fully lighted” this season. Pay your electric bills UNC– more than one of you knows what I’m talking about.

18. Cincinnati

FWG: Ben Mauk, you’re collegiate career is OVER. Get on with it– a used car dealership in Canton awaits. Distraction. Distraction. Distraction.

WOB: Does Ben Mauk have any eligibility left? He seems like the kind of guy that would live in a frat-tirement home. Not as if that’s a bad thing. You got an extra couch I can crash on, Benny?

17. LSU

WOB: Les Miles may amuse me more than any other coach. Could be because of pictures like this.

16. Nebraska

FWG: Forget that their stadium looks like it was assembled using the “Erector Set Aestics Guide”–I like Nebraska cracking the Top 20–tradition and strong play on defensive means they deserve it.

WOB: I don’t see them this high. I have nothing against the Huskers. I would like to see them be good. But I don’t see them playing at the same level of KU and Mizzou the past couple of years.

15. Florida State

WOB: It seems to me that Bowden is chasing Paterno a bit to the detrament of the program. Of course, people said the opposite a couple years ago and look how well that worked out. If they end up losing the 14 games due to NCAA infractions, I see him retired after this year. By the way, why does the NCAA insist on making themselves look like the Keystone Kops all the time? Don’t make yourself into more of a punchline than you already are. Note how I turned that into a rip of the NCAA instead of Bobby.

FWG: Recruiting violations? Bobby Bowden? This just doesn’t make any sense. Who ever heard of a state school in Florida doing that? Bowden for President!

WOB: Naps will turn this economy around! That’s change we can believe in.

14. Georgia

FWG: Former UConn TE/LS Derek Rich is officially on the roster (and eligible!) this year. For said reasons I do not know why they are ranked 14th.

WOB: Not right. But funny regardless. I’m as guilty as anyone at making people say things they don’t understand solely for my amusement. What? You wanted something about actual football play next year? Sorry.

13. Oregon

WOB: Yes, their uniforms are ugly. But there are so many combinations! It’s called factorials! {Why, yes I am a dork.} and you probably learned about them in fourth grade. This leads to the oppostition worrying about which outfit they will wear and less on the actual game. Diversionary tactics. Phil Knight is crafty.

FWG: Who doesn’t like diamond-plated-patterns on their uniforms (apparently UCONN). In later news–the children in Nike’s sweatshops have a fresh pattern every week, so yeah…that’s nice.

12. Boise State

FWG: I got nothing…Pat?

WOB: Keep the same for the uniforms {And why exactly are they adding a touch of gray? A tip of the cap to Deadheads or what? I wiiill get byyyy.}. Change uniform combinations to Smurf Turf and add camoflague into the equation. Moving along…

11. California

FWG: Austria, Arnold, Joke, etc etc. Cali-fahn-ya. This post has de-evolved.

WOB: Claw marks‘ on the jersey? Right, because bears claw themselves all the time. No? You had to fight a bear with gold paint on its claws to get the uniform. Makes much more sense. Why the hell do teams insist on doing stupid things with their uniforms?

On an actual football related note they get solid quarterback play, they could do some damage. I hope that it is erratic as all hell when they play the Gophers in week three {Of course I’ll work a Gopher reference in: 4 games against pre-season top 25 including a three game meatgrinder of at Penn State, at Ohio State and home against Michigan State to finish out October. Rough.}.

10. Ole Miss

WOB: I have a difficult time trusting Ole Miss and Houston Nutt separately. Put them together and I don’t know what to do. Whether two negatives make a positive or just one huge stay-the-fuck-away negative. Then again, they were the only team to defeat Florida last year. They seem like a kind of team whose final position is inversely proportional to their preseason ranking.

FWG: Agreed.

9. Oklahoma State

WOB: Even though they are a talented squad, the first two things off the top of my head when I think of the Pokes is this {Way to draw negative attention to yourself after a huge win for the program, Mike. Chaz Reinhold is very upset at you. At least you did it on your own terms.} and this.

FWG: Nice Chaz Reinhold reference–will are older audience get it though? This might help.

8. Virginia Tech

WOB: Tyrod Taylor is probably not going to redshirt this year. Since that whole deal didn’t work so well last year. The Hokies always contend in the ACC, but it’s a crap shoot nationally.

FWG: Being the best in the ACC is like saying you were the best at Skip-It as a child. Sure you thought it was cool–but to on lookers you were just an uncoordinated loser playing in your own driveway. That said, I like VA-Tech and I love their defense. Seriously.

WOB: Are we talking Skip-it with the built-in counter or do you have to count yourself?

7. Penn State

WOB: Joe Paterno is a stud. I can’t wait until I’m an old man and can say whatever I want. Sad thing is, he’s usually the most logical sounding one.

FWG: JoePa is at battery-stealing age (Seinfeld reference)–and you know what? I dig it. Give it to Bowden in the backdoor, JoePa.

6. Alabama

WOB: Opponents of the Tide may have to thank Utah for either the beating or the slugfest that will inevitibly come their way this fall. Saban seems like he’d be impossible to get along with when things are going well.

FWG: “Crimson Tide”–also a metaphor for…

5. An Ohio State University (see what we did there)

WOB: Terrelle Prior could become the Midwestern Tebow. {Circumsizing Filipino function not included. As far as I’m aware.} Needs a bit of help though.

FWG: …is this post big enough for two Filipino circumcision jokes?…decidedly not.

4. USC

WOB: It’s easy to look like a genius when you have five-star recruits rounding out your three-deep. But a big part of college coaching is recruiting and I don’t know if there’s a better sales pitch than ‘Come to Los Angeles where the water flows like wine and the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.’ Do us a favor and don’t stumble in the Pac-10, guys. I would put money on the Trojans against any college team and maybe one or two NFL teams, for a single game. But I wouldn’t put money on them winning the National Championship because of the recent track record for dropping very winnable games.

FWG: Pete Carroll is the best coach in the country. Sorry Saban. Expect them in national title contention all year–and winning the whole thing. There. I said it.

3. Texas

2. Oklahoma

1. Florida

WOB: All three teams better hope that their QBs stay healthy. Why any of them stayed put instead of maximizing profits in the NFL is beyond me {Or simply getting paid an additional year.}. Just seems like too big of a risk. Although I’m not sure how the lack of a salary cap next year in the NFL affects their pay. Also, Florida seems too bulletproof to actually be that good. Luck will play a large factor in who gets through to the National Championship game, especially if Oklahoma State steps in for Texas Tech in the Big XII South three-way.

Prognostication three months before an actual game is nothing more than literary masturbation, but if forced to chose at the order at the end of next season I would go with Texas {gut feeling}, Florida, USC, Oklahoma and OSU in that order, but not necessarily the top five.

FWG: Tebow is to Florida as Jesus is to Nazareth. Although I doubt any players on U of F will understand that SAT joke (chances they took their SATs…zero). I will say that walking on water might not be beyond Tebow, although NFL success might be. So I am glad (and I understand) why he stayed another year. I want to see U of F against USC in a no-holds-bar-cage match. “The War on the Shore.”

Readers Comments (3)

  1. Great post guys! Audience wants,
    you delivered!

    I'll send you'nz my take on
    19. North Carolina in an email.

    It would break the internets if posted here.

    FYI Rob, with double-digit budget cuts looming at UNC, we've already drawn up contigency plans for "fully-lighted" games: hamster wheels, exercise bikes and hand cranks. Doesn't usually bother us as we are genetically mapped to play after dusk without fall-off or artificial assistance. With that solved we are, however, focusing our attention on the parachuters bringing in game balls.

    09/12/2009 – The Rent – Be There!

  2. I don't appreciate what you did with THE Ohio State University Mr. Lunn.

    Mr. Miran

  3. Where are the service academies?


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