The NFL locked out its players 32 days ago. In that time ten players have been arrested for offenses including unlabeled Viagra possession (thata boy Louis Murphy), Brandishing a Gun, Felony Theft, Aggravated Assault, Marijuana Possession, and Felony Possession of Codeine Syrup (Really Johnny Jolly?). That’s an average of a one arrest every 3.2 days. One out of every three would be a felony.
That number would be a reasonable number if we were talking about downtown Baltimore. Or the Bronx.
But we’re not. We are talking about a sample size of roughly 1700 players.
That’s the size of Jackson, New York. If you remember that’s the small town, 2500 miles from the Mexican border, that passed a law requiring all business to be handled in English. There are no gas stations, grocery stores, schools, or churches in Jackson, though it does have two restaurants. Imagine if you traded the population for the out of work NFL players?
Let’s look at the crime spree;
Mike Vrabel: Stole beer on a floating casino. A felony in Indiana.
Louis Murphy: Had a whole bunch of unlabeled Viagra. Maybe if the players weren’t locked out he could have afforded the real thing. I hear the generic Mexican version has some nasty side effects.
Lawrence Maroney: Possession of Marijuana. Not a huge surprise there.
Kenny Britt: Tried to run away from the police in his Porsche.
Aqib Talib: Aggravated assault.
Bryan McCann: Public Intoxication. Could happen to anyone, including opinionated writers.
Mario Henderson: Gun possession
Jason Peters: Arrested for doing his best Radio Raheem impersonation.
Chris Cook: Brandishing a gun.
Johnny Jolly: Felony Codeine possession. How much f@$#ing Codeine warrants a felony?
This rampant law breaking has inspired me to present a solution to the lockout. It’s a radical idea that the players haven’t tried yet, but I think it might just be crazy enough to work.
We, the people, should sue the NFL for Reckless Endangerment. According to New York Law, a person is guilty of reckless endangerment when he recklessly engages in conduct which creates a substantial risk of serious physical injury to another person. How does the NFL locking out the players, and unleashing a 1700 person army of unhinged criminals on an unsuspecting population not qualify? The NFL is putting all of us in harm’s way by recklessly keeping these men from releasing their criminal impulses on the football field.
Suppose the lockout goes on for a year. That would be over 114 arrests, of which 37 would be felonies. Think of the potential collateral damage. Not to mention the burden on John Q taxpayer to arrest, try in a court of law, and then gently slap the wrists of these men. Not to mention the potential for more crime, with the understaffed police departments having to create a special task force, led by Sherriff Bart, to deal with the unemployed players.
So I’m proposing, in the interests of public safety and having football for the public to watch this fall, we sue the NFL for putting us all in the line of fire.
Who’s coming with me?
—–Corey Maloney
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