FWG Goes Shopping (In Bulk): Hilarity Ensues

bjs_wholesale_club_vaBuying groceries in bulk says one of two things: I’m savvy about consumer products over the long-term or, I’m a fat kid and I’m just giving in.  Lucky for me, and thanks to Kevin Weiss I fall somewhere in the middle.  Armed with a shopping list, my trips usually take no more than 10 minutes.  5 dozen eggs, chicken breasts, perhaps a 5lb sack of Peanut M&M’s.  The bottom line is I’m in and out.

Well, today no such luck.  Forgot my “membership card.” Which, by the way is absolutely the least exclusive club to which you can be a member.  But, don’t tell that to the people in front of me at the customer service center.  An older gentleman and his wife who, oblivious to the line growing ever longer behind them, decided to ponder the pros and cons of renewing the membership. “But honey, we’ll save $45 if we re-sign today, not to mention the coupon book.”
“Yes, Fred, but this is only our third trip this April”

“But Louise…..(makes gesture toward printed stack of magazines) The coupons!”

Ah yes, I had forgotten that old people and coupons are two peas in a pod.  There is nothing they like more than coupons, except for perhaps stealing  batteries and angrily fist pumping at traffic from their front porch.  I was stuck behind an endless loop of  “savings vs. renewal fee vs. the almighty coupon book”

Would it ever end?  The short answer: Yes. The long answer: Dr. Kevorkian’s patients took less time making decisions.

15 minutes later I was still stuck there, drowning in the metaphor that my life had become.  I’m not sure whether I was the youngest and most impatient, or perhaps it’s that my entire perspective on life is fast paced, but I really felt like clawing my eyes out.  The kicker was, after the debate had been settled (Score 1 for Fred and his savings!) they proceeded to update their photo ID’s.  And heck, why not?  With only a few years left on Life’s scorecard, these kid’s need to look their best for BJ’s Wholesale Club door-checkers. Which by the way, is the worlds best job.  Hole punching receipts and getting to inspect groceries; really getting a feel for what Americans are eating these days:

Ahh, I see you chose the 40 serving size package of Oreo Double Stuff’d. Smart choice, for a smart shopper (Smiles).

I’ll fast forward through my shopping experience just know that it was all along the theme of “I don’t want to be the kid wearing his shirt in the pool, this summer.” (Yeah, I nix’d the Oreos) But like some cold, concrete-floored hell, guess who I was behind in checkout.

Fred and Louise, and Yes they were looking for their coupons.  Scanning them for items they didn’t even purchase, then…rescanning.

Why, why does God hate me?

Short answer: Because I’m impatient with old people.  Long answer: Because I tried to run Fred and Louise down in the parking lot.

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