Ben: "GOOOODDD?!?! Where are you?? There's too many for me.."
So I gotta ask Ben, where was he hiding? God I mean. It seems that now after years of reckless behavior while taking your band, Alleged Sexual Misconduct, on a tour of the United States, you and the man upstairs have finally found each other.
Did you see God giving a speech, shout out His name while running through the water to meet Him in the middle with an epic twirling hug, like Forrest and Jenny? Well much like Forrest, I may not be a smart man, but I know bull shit when I hear it.
Like Jenny, you were out doing your thing with no regard to what Forrest thought. He tried to help and you rebuffed him. So you turning back to God now, in a transparent attempt to repair your tarnished image, is like Jenny returning to Greenbough after realizing that no one would be as good to her for the rest of her days as Forrest. Just as Jenny was dying of Aids and had to find a home for her son before she went to find Forrest, you are looking at religion as a last resort to save your public image.
Forrest took Jenny in because he loved her. I am inclined to think that God has a different opinion now that he finds you, and all your baggage, on his door step looking for shelter. Especially considering the fleet of news vans you brought with you, and how they’re tearing up His grass.
Which brings me back to my earlier question. How hard had you been looking for God while forcibly questioning coeds in public restrooms? If you true desire was to live by His commandments, how frustrating has it been for you all these years that He has been playing hide and go seek? Surely you must have looked everywhere.
Where did you finally end up stumbling upon God? And how did you decide to reward Him, for finally revealing Himself, by publically announcing you would not be living with your fiancé until after you are married? A fiancé by the way, who you have been dating on and off for five years. So God, and the rest of us are supposed to believe that you had been dating this vivacious young woman all that time without learning any carnal knowledge?
Don’t know the answer to any of these questions do ya Ben?
Well let me take a stab at answering them for you. I figure you won’t mind, since you are letting your publicist call the shots anyway.
You screwed up, much like any twenty something with a whole bunch of money, and no real guidance would. Then you screwed up again. And again. Now, with your off the field exploits threatening to tarnish a great playing career, you have decided to have someone else take the wheel. That someone, as much as you would like us to believe it to be, is not God. It is some high priced publicity team who saw a wholesome marriage to a simple girl as the best step back into the people’s good graces.
I’m not saying you aren’t happy, and I’m not saying you are not in love with your bride to be.
What I’m saying is that leave God out of it. Especially to invoke Him as the reason you will not be sharing a bed with a woman who you have dated on and off for years. Waiting for marriage doesn’t work if you have already slept with the girl, and it really doesn’t work when we have all seen pictures of you drunkenly slobbering over wide eyed 20 year olds during that five year courtship.
Turn your life around Ben. Try and be a better man. Be a good husband. Be a good father.
Don’t be another cliché athlete who claims to have found God after years of keeping him tied up in the closet.
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