This past weekend offered too much to do a normal recap. So I decided to present awards to some worthy, and some not so worthy performances from the last few days.
Without further ado…The Weekend Recap: The Award Addition
The “Hi… I’m in…Delaware…” Award
Tie – Kentucky Derby winning jockey John Velazquez and Manny Pacquiao
Velazquez seemed so nonplussed after winning the Derby on Saturday, one had to wonder whether or not he had mistakenly taken some Ketamine (horse tranquilizer) before the race. Come on man, you just won the Derby. Flash a smile at least so we can separate you from the disgruntled Oompa Loompa’s on the picket line over at Willy Wonka’s factory.
Manny Pacquiao beat Shane Mosely. The fight was so boring, and so one sided, that there really isn’t much else to say about it. Poor Pacquiao is stuck fighting has-beens in Delaware. The only way out, a fight with Floyd Mayweather, isn’t going to happen. Without that fight, he will go down as the best fighter from a watered down generation. He needs his Ali-Frazier, his Leonard-Hagler, or his Rocky-Apollo, in order to define his career. A fall fight with Marquez will accomplish nothing except saying to Mayweather, anything you can do, I can do better.
The Sweep The Leg Award for lack of sportsmanship and/or dirty play in a playoff series – Dwayne Wade
If Wade wasn’t a huge superstar, there’s no way the media wouldn’t have fallen all over each other to label him a dirty player for his performance against the Celtics in the first three games. His play, and not the invisibility of Glen “Tits on a Bull” Davis, has made me really miss Kendrick Perkins and Nate Robinson. Neither of those guys would have tolerated the way that Wade has been taking cheap shots at their teammates with some consequences and repercussions.
The F*#k You Joe Boo I Do it Myself Award – Derek Rose
The MVP is playing better than anyone else in the league right now, but by stealing his teammates’ rum, and taking 30+ shots a game, he is running the risk of derailing the Bulls run at a title. They have all of the pieces, and the toughness on D, to win right now. But that’s not going to happen unless Rose decides to put his faith back in Joe Boo, who is currently taken the human form of Boozer, Noah, Deng, Korver, Bogans, Gibson, and Brewer.
The Clubber Lang Award – Dallas Mavericks
“What did you say paper champion? I’ll beat you like a dog, a dog, you fool!”
The “Indy! Cover Your Heart” Award – Chris Bosh
Bosh claimed that the energy of the Boston Crowd got in his head before Game 3 against the Celtics. Rest assured, there will be almost twenty thousand Molarams out there trying to steal what little heart Bosh has, when they take the floor tonight in Boston for Game 4.
By the way, Bosh may be a mental midget when it comes to competition, but the man is a financial genius. When he sidled up to Wade and Lebron, in order to make them a three headed basketball monster, he earned himself an equal share of their free agent pie. It would be like Rachel Dratch convincing Marissa Miller and Adriana Lima that they needed to team up in order to sell their new calendar for the most money.
After Dwayne Wade’s take down, which Willis McGahee-ed his arm, Rondo returned to the court and outplayed the Heat with one arm. It was one of the grittiest things I have ever seen, and made me proud to be a Celtics fan.
The Punch You in The Eye Award – Zdeno Chara and the Boston Bruins.
A complete beat down like that speaks for itself.
The “Sometimes when you win, you really lose. And sometimes when you lose, you really win.” Award – Phil Jackson
The Zen Master lost his bid for a fourth three-peat yesterday, but won because he never has to coach The Heartless Wonders again. The fact that he was in a position to go for a fourth feat is remarkable, and it’s a shame that the Lakers’ players took a dump in a brown paper bag, placed it on his legacy’s doorstep and ran off to hide in the bushes.
Speaking of the Lakers…
The Roger Dorn Award for not wanting to “risk major injury or displace this property for a collection of stiffs” – “Pudding Soft” Pau Gasol
Has there ever been softer seven footer? Somewhere Shawn Bradley is comforting a malnourished African baby and smiling, knowing that someone finally made him look tough.
The Hollywood Hogan Award – Andrew Bynum.
When Hogan switched sides all those years ago, he broke the cholesterol clogged hearts of wrestling fans worldwide. It made people angry.
While nowhere near as popular as Hogan was, Bynum was on his way up. He had been the Lakers most important player in the opening round against the Hornets and appeared on the cusp of becoming one of the NBA’s top big men. Now he seems more likely to be the next Bill Laimbeer. On second thought, that is not fair to Laimbeer, who was dirty but always in the interest of getting in your head and helping his team win. Bynum took a shot at the Rudy of basketball when his team was getting beat by 30+. That’s beyond bush league, and beyond dirty. It is the kind of thing that the inmates gang rape you in the shower for.
The I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself Award – Kobe Bryant
A month ago he was cruising towards his 6th ring and an irrefutable place as one of the all time greats. Now, with Phil Jackson off in Alaska, and a team that will be blown up in the offseason, Kobe has to wonder what he is going to do with the only Laker he really trusts. Himself.
The Team Only a Mother Could Love Award – The Los Angeles Quitters
Congrats on showing no heart, no class, and no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
—–Corey
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