The Rook Presents: How many quarterpounders does it take to make a 16-lb baby?


(Huffington Post) – The average weight of a newborn baby is about 7 1/2 pounds, which is why it’s shocking — even in Texas — that a woman has given birth to a 16-pound baby boy.

Two feet tall at birth, JaMichael Brown is the biggest baby ever born in the state of Texas.

“A lot of the stuff we bought him is too little,” mother Janet Johnson told The Today Show.

Little JaMichael is actually the next phase of the NFL Lockout.  Today the commissioners are going to unveil their 12-year plan* to cultivate the league’s starting line up from scratch.  *their bodies mature in half the time, cerebral development was not of much concern.

meanwhile in the UK, Victoria Beckham boasts of losing 16lbs during her recent pregnancy.  Oh yeah, and the newborn Beckham weighed in, just over a tea-and-crumpet, at 7lbs. 5oz.

That headline absolutely dominated my morning news cruise.  My window tabs are nothing but fat baby and yo’ mama jokes, still wearing my fuzzy slippers – normally I switch to flip flops by 11am.  A 16-lb baby is not a joke.  That’s aces.   I just want to be there for his first words.  I imagine the richness of James Earl Jones, the eloquence of LeBron James.  “I’m the next O.J.”  (sorry darling, you want more o.j?)

What the hell did she eat to make a  midget insider her?  Forget about it.  I just want to know what she’s got planned for it.  Think about all of the awesome Halloween costumes to come.  If I’m his mama then I am all over that.  Year 1 – Ghostbusters’ StayPuft marshmallow thing ; Year 2 – Shaq (probably Orlando Magic, just to keep it rated PG) ; Year 3 – a wrecking ball

Big plans for this chunk of love.

Thankfully, the current NFL players will find their calling.  FOR THE WIN:  Taylor Launter and the Field of Dreams 2. Haha, that Ray Lewis…what a stud.

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