Phuck You Philly: Part 1

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzgosoxBoston and New York are 1 and 1A when it comes to sports assholes. Arguing who is worse is like arguing boxers or briefs. There is no right answer and it comes down to where you’re from and what kind of person you are. If you grew up with a boxer wearing father, chances are that’s what you’re wearing right now, and if you were raised under a brief regime, chances are you are a pervert.

Boston and New York spend all the money, get all the players, and their fans are as insufferable as they are well informed.

The last few years have made it easier to hate both cities. Boston has won consistently, while bringing in some of the best players in each sport. They also have a bunch of guys who fit the, ‘absolutely love them on your team, but would hate them if they weren’t’ mold. Led by Kevin Garnett, Tom Brady, and Kevin Youkilis.

New York hasn’t won quite as much, but has had guys like Hank Steinbrenner, Rex Ryan, Alex Rodriguez, Sean Avery, Tiki Barber, Isaiah Thomas, Stephon Marbury, and The Mets, to remind you in case you forget why you dislike them.


The third ranked sports assholes have been flying under the radar for years, shielded by the billion dollar shadows that New York and Boston cast over the east coast.

Well that shit stops today.

I’m going after Philadelphia with all the sarcastic venom I have in my masshole fingers, in a series that I’m calling; Phuck You Philly.


reid“Right now, we’ve got a lot of good looking guys standing around watching,” That’s what Eagles head coach Andy Reid said this morning about the potential ‘Dream Team’ in Philly. Reid continued, “Obviously, dreams aren’t reality, so the reality will come when I get my hands on them and we get them into practice and start grinding here like the other guys are grinding. That’s reality.”

So there are a lot of good looking guys standing around waiting for Andy Reid to touch them? And grind on them? Is that what today’s NFL players are really looking for?

It would appear so, as nearly every able bodied free agent is falling all over themselves, and taking less money, to join the Eagles. Before we get into the Eagles off season haul, I’d like to address the whole notion of a ‘Dream Team’.

The ONE and ONLY Dream Team was the 1992 Men’s National Basketball Team. The roster consisted of Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Chris Mullen, John Stockton, Clyde Drexler, David Robinson, Scottie “Ungrateful Bitch” Pippen, Patrick Ewing, Karl Malone, and Christian Laettner. The only player not destined for the Hall of Fame is Christian Laettner, but he was considered a better pick than Shaquille O’Neal at the time.


There have been other teams who boasted superstar rosters, a certain outfit whose talents reside in South Beach comes to mind, but no one has ever had a better collection of players, who all came together as a team and destroyed people. The Dream Team won by an average margin of 43.75 points over eight games in the ’92 Olympics. Those boys down in Miami won by…well… never mind actually.

So before we call anyone a ‘Dream Team’, let’s see if they can actually play like a team, and win as a team, ok? Good, glad that’s settled.

That brings us back to Reid and the 2011 Philadelphia Eagles.

Reid is right to poo poo all over the preseason talk about a Dream Team. While his words may have rated off the charts on Bill Simmons’ scale for unintentional comedy, they show a remarkable level of self awareness. Reid knows full well that bringing in the best players available doesn’t guarantee you victory when you have a first rate ass clown calling the plays.

Reid has made bumbling, botching, misusing, second guessing, and head scratch inducing dumbness, an art form. So as long as he has the final say on play calling, timeouts, and challenges, a Super Bowl is far from a lock. He throws a few bullseyes (he handled the Mike Vick situation as good, if not better, than any other coach in the league would have), and people start forgetting how the Andy Reid Super Terrific Clock Mismanagement Hour ends.

Having the best team, and the best players, doesn’t mean you always get a ring. The 2007 Patriots were the best team in the league, and lost the Super Bowl because the Giants used the final week of the season to develop a game plan that could stop Belicheck’s seemingly unstoppable offense. Spagnola outcoached the Hoodie, and that’s why he is running his own team out in St. Louis.

In 2010 everyone assumed that the Patriots, again the league’s best team, would steamroll through the playoffs. Then Rex Ryan took a page from Spagnola’s book, used the last regular season game, where his team was shellacked, to help him develop a defensive scheme to slow Brady down. Ryan, for one game, was one step ahead of everything Belicheck tried on offense.

As a Patriots fan it kills me to say it, but it’s true. Belicheck is like football’s Bobby Fishcher, and just like in chess, sometimes you can see all the moves, know all the angles, and still get beat.

p1_eagles_fanI don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone use the terms like genius, guru, or savant to describe Andy Reid. As he assembles one of the best collections of talent in recent memory, it has to weigh on Reid that no amount of touching and grinding will cause people to forget who will be responsible, if the Eagles don’t win.

Don’t worry Andy, people in Philly are kind, compassionate, and forgiving.  I’m sure they will be happy if you just do your best.


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