Missouri Women’s Basketball players, Amanda Hanneman and Jessra Johnson reportedly gave the old heave-ho-there-ya-go to a male cheerleader who lived in their apartment. Justin Short (the cheerleader in question) will now be subject to a lifetime of taunts by all of his friends, teammates, and complete strangers. The details of the ordeal are murky at best, but one this is for sure. He got beat up by two girls.
Now, this is probably where you expect me to make some smart-ass remark about how getting beat up by a girl is totally lame, and he’s a wimp for not taking care of business. That’s exactly where you’re wrong. You see, I’m one of four children. Three older sisters. I spent the majority of my formative years getting the crap kicked out of me by women. Then, in the 6th grade I got punched by a girl named Courtney. I’m all for self deprecation, but this is 100% true. There I was minding my own business in the hallway when one of Courtney’s friends handed me a note. Something about being Courtney’s boyfriend. Needless to say, I did not want to partake in such a venture so I threw the note away. Little did I know Courtney was looking on as I disregarded said note. And all of a sudden there was a blur of pink “scrunchies” and braces, and I was on the ground writhing in agony. Two years later, in the 8th grade I got punched in the face by a girl named Alex, I took it like a champ. She too had a crush on me (apparently I was irresistible to middle school chubby-chasers). Fast forward to college, more girls, still chubby, where I tried my hand at dating a member of UConn’s women’s basketball team. Have you ever kissed a girl your own height (6’4)? Not to mention that she was a far superior athlete than I, having been a McDonald’s All-American. I remember rolling out of her bed after one of our sleepovers and there on her shelf were a few National Championship rings. Intimidated the shit out of me, and I never returned for another slumber party. Getting pushed, shoved, beat-up, and all around emasculated by the opposite sex isn’t so bad, ya see (now I get to blog about it). So I have some words of wisdom, even encouragement for Justin Short, the victim of this senseless assault. Keep your chin high, bro. You’re not alone out there. Embarrassing? Sure. But, look at me, if you don’t count cowering every time my girlfriend approaches me, I’m no worse for the wear.
PHOTO: Deadspin.com
surprised you didn’t mention anything about how older sister #2 happens to be a professor at Mizzou… coincidence???