The Meaning of Life…and more…

1) Is Cheerleading a sport?

Am I really going to open up this Pandora’s Box? Yes. Yes, I am. There was many a night spent around the Lunn family dinner table discussing this very issue. (Read: Sister who was a cheerleader). Now, while my views may have changed (more on that in a bit) it was the inflammatory opinion of this blogger to unequivocally say “No! Cheerleading is not a sport.” This was probably 10% ignorance, 90% wanting to incite riot (the post-dinner apocalypse!).

Alright, so “sports” are defined by competition, and “games” (or “matches”–relax, tennis fans). Cheerleaders don’t compete at “games,” but having dated my share of cheerleaders (or dancers) I have attended many competitions (which are like slow, overcaffeinated smiling death sentences). So while I may doubt that the athleticism needed to be a cheerleader is equal to college football (it is not), I will finally concede in this public forum that yes, cheerleading is a sport. (Dancing however, is not). The funny part is that unlike every other sport, turning pro in dancing means that you are actually LESS of an athlete. Let’s face it (sorry Ryann) the Patriot cheerleaders are less “Cheertastic” dance-savvy girls and more “eye-candy”(see below) for the drunk superfan.

2) What are the craziest superstitions?

Well for me personally, it’s drinking the same color Gatorades, in the same order, at every football-related meal. But I know guys who throw up before games (You kidding me? It’s a great way to shed a few pounds before a big show), and I also know guys who don’t change their underwear for an entire road trip (coincidentally, these guys are also very lonely on Saturday nights). The truth about superstitions is that they are only “crazy” to those who don’t believe in them. Except for maybe rubbing chicken bones on your baseball bat–that’s actually crazy-fit-for-a-straight-jacket-crazy.

3) What have you done that (at the time) annoyed the coaching staff, but now, looking back, is viewed by everyone as being funny? (Or you can substitute “Judge” for coaching staff)

Oh, I like to think that I always annoy the coaching staff. Does this blog count? I’d say this blog. Yes the blog is funny AND annoying to my coaches (but their wives love it). As for the Judge, he probably found it annoying that as a child I tackled everything that moved (cats, dogs, unsuspecting house guests), and while they say that animal cruelty is a sign of future serial killer tendencies, I’d say this little habit paid off, (eventually trading the family dog for opposing quarterbacks) to the tune of say, a free education.

4) Who are the redshirt players that you would expect to contribute to next year’s team?

You might be expecting me to single out all of the great defensive players we’ve recruited and how these future starters will ensure championships to come. The truth is I don’t see these guys on a regular basis, but I do get to go against the Scout-Offense (chock full of redshirts). I’ll leave the skill guys to the skill guys, but I’ll say to expect some big things from our future offensive linemen. My chubby brothers-in-arms are more athletic than the ghosts of linemen past. So let me become a name dropper: Kuracea, Bennett, Chapman. Write that down. Don’t have a pen? Well, remember it then.

5) Who is your favorite NFL player?

Two way tie, of the current freak-athlete killer NFL…Takeo Spikes. His name means “Warrior” in Japanese. No, seriously.

Of the old school scotch-at-halftime NFL, of course it’s Art Donovan:

6) Why did you decide to come to UConn?

I had offers from a few other D-1 schools, and I pretty much ran the table on every D-1AA school. It came down to how I felt about the coaching staff and what kind of education I could get, and of course Coach Edsall’s great haircuts (what a grooming standard!). Syracuse was too close and their coaching situation was too unstable (some things never change). Wake Forest was too last minute, and then there was UConn, right alongside me the entire time. I was sold from the moment I ran out onto Rentschler field (now a recruiting violation). There have been ups and downs, and I’ve gained a few pounds, but being here has has given me the best memories and equipped me for the rest of my life.

7) What exactly did Popeye and Brutus [sic] see in Olive Oil [sic] that made her so “attractive” to them?

I’d like to give my dissertation on how Bluto was all wrapped up that such a tall drink of water had a food-related name, but I’ll save that for another time. I don’t think either of them really wanted Olive Oyl, they were both just so consumed with hate for each other, and neither wanted to see Olive Oyl with the other. Insert a possible manifestation of homoerotic tendencies in self loathing self destructive behavior; Popeye eats his feelings (spinach), Bluto an obvious steroid user (poor self-image), ahh but I digress. Psychobabble aside, I’d say that Olive Oyl was the hottest babe in a possibly babe-barren environment (The Shipyard…so you come here often?). Did I really just spend that much brain effort dissecting that? I’m afraid so.

8) Steroid use has always been a problem in the wonderful sport of football.
Do you think the NCAA and NFL have cracked down on ‘roids well enough? I was also wondering if you think the penalties for using these substances are harsh enough? – Your FAVORITE cousin, Morgan

I’d say the NCAA has done a good job of policing steroid use, but is there room for improvement? Sure. I have personally been tested 12 times since I have been at UConn, which is impressive to say the least. These pee tests give new meaning to the phrase “stage fright.” My close friends in the NFL have said, “You can’t fake a test, you either pass or you don’t.” I hope that is conclusive enough for you. I am not a fan of the “you are totally responsible” for what goes into your body, because labels are often not descriptive or honest. The FDA hardly regulates the supplement industry, the weak link in the chain is NOT the athlete who reads a label and assumes a product is safe, but rather the FDA who does not demand more stringent regulations for this billion-dollar-a-year industry. I am all for an athlete’s personal responsibility, but I see this as a major flaw.

9) What do you do to “prepare” for a game?

Besides the endless hours of tape (and my rejuvenating cucumber mask…thanks, Scott), loading on carbs (Atkins be damned!) and the pre-game shower, that’s about it.

10) If you had to be stranded on a remote island with only one other person for 10 years with no other contact with the outside world or other items, which:

a) teammate would you choose to be that one other person?

Probably Cody Brown or Dan Ryan. Cody ‘cause he doesn’t snore, and that’s a nice quality. Dan because he’s so tall, he could easily pick coconuts and distract the natives.

b) coach would you choose to be that one other person?

Probably Hank Hughes (D-Line Coach). Spend five minutes with the man and you’ll understand. Never had the opportunity? Pregame speeches that meander their way through “Atilla the Hun” to “Sasquatch” to Michael Vick and end somewhere between Ronnie Lott and the entire Steelers organization.

(and maybe a certain law school student named Colleen)

c) which person (anybody, no limitations) would you choose to be that one other person?

Survival expert Bear Grylls. That accent? Priceless.

You should devote most of your blog to hosting ideas for ideas of how New Jersey could better serve America.

…this wasn’t a question, but man, did I want to respond. Aside from nuclear device testing field, I’d say maybe seceding from the Union? Although this might drive hair gel, glowsticks, and IROC sales way down, it’s still probably for the best.

Syracuse this week, also we’re gonna take a look around the Big East.

-FWG-